Tuesday, September 16, 2014

School of Hard Knocks

Once upon a time, I was in a play. Yes, this is about Annie again. Last rehearsal, I had to actually sing my part in front of everyone. I chalked the audition nervousness up to being in front of a bunch of people I barely knew. Well turns out I have this GOD DAMN stage fright bullshit. Lines, would have been fine. Comedy, presentations, I can handle that but I just WANTED, PLEADED for this dang singing solo. How was I supposed to know I wasn't going to be able to sing in front of a ton of people? Besides the fact I can't even sing in my own house if someone else is home, or in front of my family, or my friends? Shocker! Now if it were a room full of my dogs, I'd rock the shit out of it. My dogs LOVE to listen to me sing. They follow me into my studio aka the guest room full of books, craft stuff, clothes and my keyboard squeezed in there and let me serenade them for hours. But I get in front of people, nice people who were probably looking at me very sympathetically but I didn't notice since I was too busy LITERALLY dying from embarrassment, and my mind decides it would be a great time to screw with me.

Brain- "Hey guurll heeeeyyyy"
Me- "Shut the hell up brain, I'm trying to concentrate!"
Brain- "Oh my bad! I just have something to tell you! Just real quick. Just REEEEAAALLLLLL QUUUIICCKKKKKK. REEEAAAALLL QUUIIICCKK, REAL QUICK"
Me- "Damnit! What?!"
Brain- "OK! SO! Remember that time....when we were really little...like 5 or 6...when we were in Girl Scouts? Remember we were doing that show? It was in that cabin at that park with the big lake? ....and we were like wearing that construction paper duck mask? ......and you had to say that line....."
Me- ".........don't you do it....don't you bleeping do this to me, brain....."
Brain- "Yeaaaah...remember that?...and we had to do that line...and we couldn't do it? And we just started crying REALLY HARD and couldn't breath...and that Natalie girl had to do our line for us because we were ruining the ENTIRE show? Remember that?! Yeah..so...THAT'S RIGHT NOW!!!!  STUPID LITTLE DUCKLING!!"
Me- *angry tears* "You the devil brain, you the devil."

Guys, it was awful. I just murdered it and everything from that point on, I was done. There was no coming back, any bit of confidence I had was shattered. I barely got through the rest of the rehearsal. A couple big hearted people told me I did a good job but compared to how I sound at home, singing with my dogs, it was horrible. I text my husband and told him what happened. His advice was to close my eyes and pretend they weren't there. That may have worked for Ray Charles all those years but I don't think I could pull that off. I wanted to quit. But I'm no quitter...hahaha just kidding, I quit halfway through everything. Fortunately or unfortunately, I made a commitment and I need to follow through. I guess I'm going to have to beg and/or pay some very patient and/or homeless people to sacrifice a few minutes of their time to help me get over this issue. Who knows, maybe I'll get my part taken away, which would be really awkward come Opening Night when I shank whoever takes my spot and use their blood as war paint as I belt out MY solo.
(Dear police, this is just a tasteless joke. It's kind of my thing. Please do not arrest me.)

Well I'm off to google "how many drinks do I need to overcome stage fright" and "cheap, high capacity bra flasks".  Stay thirsty my friends.

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