Friday, September 26, 2014

Livin' Life in the Danger Zone or "It's not herpes, you a-hole!"

It's not always clear what is right and what is wrong but sometimes it's very, very obvious. Which makes it all the more messed up when you still choose the wrong thing. This is about the point I imagine religion becomes incredibly handy. Just ask the spirit in the sky, they can tell you what to do. Just pick up this book, it will tell you cautionary tales to use as metaphors for this exact situation. Unfortunately, being someone who isn't religious (or as my mom likes to say "a hell bound pagan") I don't have any kind of preset standard to live up to. I have to look to myself for advice and for some reason the universe gifted me with my very best friend in the world Lynsey. She is literally the only one other person in my life I feel like I can tell my deepest feelings to. She doesn't judge me, please take a second to acknowledge what an extremely heavy statement that is. Everyone judges everyone, but I honestly feel she doesn't judge me. I used to think I had other people in my life I could talk to but very recently it was made clear to me that not passing judgement is almost an impossible trait to come by. Which is fine, it's human nature to size someone up. But whenever I feel like I just have to talk to someone, it's Lynsey. Or myself. Which can end very badly.

It's not that I'm a bad advice-giver, I think I'm pretty good at it. It's just that I'm defiant as hell, I'm a bad advice-taker. Even to myself. I'm all "Hey. Be sure to look both ways before you pull out onto that street.." and then I reply "I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE!!" And pull out like a maniac without looking. Why? I have no freaking idea. Apparently I have some kind of death wish or want to ruin my life for some reason. Why do we do things that we know are dangerous or stupid? I tend to over think things, so I know perfectly well when I am about to do something completely idiotic. But I'm am damn good at convincing myself that the immediate satisfaction is worth the overwhelming risk that I do it anyways, knowing exactly what the consequences could be.

By this time you should know how much I love giving examples so here it is:
As you may or may not have read in previous posts, I have this issue with taking pointy objects to my face with the idea that it will make my skin look smooth and lovely. Not in a gory, horror film way but in a "I like to pretend I am some kind of dermatologist" kind of way. So the other night, I go to the bathroom and notice what appears to be a blackhead between my nose and my lip. A very sensitive place, mind you. I slowly reach for the X-acto blade and the 3-in-1 extractor tool from Sephora ($23, and begin imagining my life without this nearly invisible to anyone but myself blemish.
Am I a trained professional? No.
Have I done this before? Yes.
Did it end badly? Of course it did.
So long story short, the next morning I woke up with a hideous lesion near my upper lip that looks, according to Google image search and strangers, like herpes. Needless to say I spent my weekend indoors, out of the public eye. I did, however, muster the courage to go to work on Monday morning, only to have my co-worker ask me, LOUDLY, what was on my face within 5 minutes of being there, in front of the whole world. Thanks, jerk. Also the husband had zero sympathy towards my plight and every time I would begin to pout and yell "LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT MY PAIN!" he would reply "WELL?! Stop taking knives to your face."

The moral to this story is: If you know something is a bad idea, you probably shouldn't do it. Because you might end up looking like you have herpes, or worse, you might get an actual STD.

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