Saturday, February 9, 2013

Being Discovered

This post is dedicated to the nice woman and her husband I met last weekend. I warned you this was going to happen, as it was a highlight in this crazy thing I call my life.

Last weekend I went out with the gang, by gang I mean my group of gal pals but technically we might also fit into the classification of "street gang". We are hardcore and will cut a bitch if provoked. So we went out and like many Saturday nights in this incredibly classy mid-west town of ours, we encountered our very own drunk jackass. He is actually a cousin of one of my friends, and apparently when he drinks he feels like he can talk a bunch of shizzy. So as he sat behind us at a table making rude comments and mediocre insults to the bartenders, I just kept my mouth shut and reminded myself that I can't go to jail. As the minutes passed, each one more excruciating than the last, I calmed myself with some deep yoga breathing and extreme jaw clenching. I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping it together as long as I did, the old Rachel would have promptly thrown down at the first remark. Mind you I wouldn't have cared nearly as much had all this ridiculousness been directed at me but it was directed at the two female bartenders, then towards another girl who joined us and that is something I can't stand for. Though these other women could hold their own and did so with grace only a true lady beholds, it still infuriated me to no end. Especially when his girlfriend or what ever her relation was to him, sat by without much interjection to his behavior. To anyone who might not be from the mid-west, you could be thinking "Uhhh..sounds like acceptable hick behavior" but I assure you this is not everyday occurrence. At least not in my life. All of the women I know and hold near and dear would never let her man talk to another woman in this manner and maybe that's why I found it so crude and in terrible taste. I think he thought he was being funny with most of it but he wasn't funny. Like not even a little, I would know because I excel in crude humor. My sailor mouthed poop jokes have gotten me both in and out of some very awkward situations. Anyways it was finally to the point where I couldn't hold it in so I focused all my energy into blurt-shouting something which I don't remember what it was. My outburst got his attention and he told me to "tone it down." I slowly turned myself in his direction and gave him what I imagine was a look that could kill, because Lynsey said "Ooooo. She gon' kill youuuu...." So then he looked at me and said "I said tone it down!" My death stare continued. Then he broke eye contact and muttered "I just said tone it down..." Shortly after that they left, which was nice because I had been mulling revenge ideas over in my head that led me to ask question like "What did you say his last name was?" and "Is throwing a cup of urine at someone considered assault?"

So after 4 of the 6 table behind us people left, and peace was restored, we continued visiting with our friends. The people who had joined us included 2 girls who were at the bachelorette party for our friend Jaime. After a quick jaunt down memory lane, Rev Rach was brought up and soon surfaced remarking "That foul sir almost made me lose mah southern charm" in the most spot on southern accent I could bare to muster through the anger and alcohol flowing through my delicate waif-like body. Which quickly led to an exorcism. Which then led to some other inappropriate, yet awesome I'm sure, display of my ever growing large and in charge personality. Which eventually led to the attention of the other couple who was with the guy that needs to find Jesus. Oh my, what will happen next?!

In my fast paced world it's not unusual that I only remember moments that stuck out significantly, my brain ain't got no time for the boring. So here are some of the events of that night as I remember them. My interpretation may be a little skewed but I'm ok with that:

Me telling the couple from the table, we'll call them L&H, lady and husband because I don't remember their names and don't have permission to use them anyways.
Ok so me telling L&H about the time I asked Rob if I had a beautiful singing voice and he replied "I wouldn't say beautiful. It's wonderful! I love that you feel like you can sing but it's not beautiful..." Which is by far the greatest, somewhat insulting compliment I have EVER received and his delivery was so spot on that I literally love him more because of that response.

Me being me. Trying to entertain and interact. (Remember in my Fanatic Shemnatic post how I am weird about TV shows and stuff. Well when I go out I always secretly hope that a bar full of strangers from all different walks of life somehow come together in unity and with respect for each other, no matter how different we all are, preferably by song. We met as strangers, we left as strangers but having shared that special moment, none of us would ever be the same!)

Hear lady telling husband I'm hilarious and should be a stand up comic.

My group finds a table and sits.

Me creeping back over to the couple and showing L&H pictures of Magnus. (A moment of clarity on my part where I realize that creeping over to people, telling them since I already talked to them I'm going to show them pictures of my rabbit photo shoots is probably really weird. But then I remembered I don't care and rabbits in hats are both super funny and adorable) I then tell them their friend was an ass.

Lady says "You're a little eccentric, aren't you?" (Never a more truthful statement)

Lady asking me where I was from and when I said here she said something like this town was too small for me. (Agreed)

Have a cowfit and demand to talk to the manager of the juke box company because we hit play next on a song and it didn't play next or next or next or next. Sit at bar moping then grab onto the handle bars they have built into the top of the bar and narrate myself jumping over a cliff. Lynsey runs to bathroom having peed her pants, she was the only one who got I was acting out my own personal music video to the song that was playing.

Our song FINALLY comes on and I am able to perform it for all to see.

Half of our table leaves.

Continue my sweet dance moves, try to jump up and grab the steering wheel bolted to the ceiling of the bar. Fail. Make a mental note to practice jumping.

More dance moves. Accidentally destroy half the bar.

Go talk to L&H. She asks me if I ever considered doing community theater and I say Duh! Didn't you know I was supposed to be an actress. She said she could tell. I told her I never tried out before and she tells me I should do it. Then I tell her that my friend does another musical theater in town and was going to tell me when the next audition for that was so I could tryout. And she said that the community theater she does doesn't do any musicals so I wouldn't have to sing, since she now knew about Rob saying my voice was not beautiful. Then I said "HE said I couldn't sing, I never said I couldn't sing!" And sang a line from "All That Jazz" along with sweet jazz hands. I could tell she was bursting inside with emotional from my impressive vocal skills but she played it cool, kept very calm on the surface and said "You're not that bad!" and I told her I'm even better sober.
Nice lady (or could be serial killer) asked for my address so she could send me their next theater newsletter. So I wrote it down for her and with that I was discovered! And then I told them "Oh I'm going to say this was me being discovered when I blog about it, k?" They said that was fine.

Then I had to abruptly leave our conversation so I could sing/act out my music video to Lady Gaga's "You and I".

The clock struck 12:30 and we left to go somewhere else.

So that's the story of how I was discovered. By someone with ties to the community theater. Pretty incredible. If/when I audition for community theater and get a part I will be sure to rent a billboard to let everyone know. And if I don't get a part, I will shackle myself to the tree outside the theater on opening night and put on my own one women show. With a possibly cameo from Magnus, warrior bunny. Either way people will never forget my name....

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