Thursday, October 11, 2012

Bad Workplace Conduct

Sometimes when you work at a place long enough, the line between appropriate and not appropriate behavior becomes a little skewed. I'm assuming for some people that's the point where shit hits the fan and they start harassing their secretaries and stealing copy machines. Inexcusable! Ok, I can't say that I'm always in line but I can at least pull it back in before I get into too much trouble. Every day conduct isn't really my issue; it seems like staff meetings is where things get a little out of hand. It must be sitting in a room with a group of people that aren't allowed to leave, I just can't keep my mouth shut.  I have seriously had to chant "Don't comment, just sit there"over and over again to try to keep myself from being a sarcastic ass during staff meetings. I think it has worked one time.

The worse thing is I'm proud of the dumb quips I make, once again, I think I am hilarious. That has to be the best symptom a narcissist can have, I make myself laugh. People think I'm crazy, I just walk around chortling to myself all day. I work with a lady and sometimes when I talk about how cool something I made or did is, she likes to comeback with "And so modest!" What do I have to be modest about? It's pretty obvious how great I am why would I try to convince anyone I'm not? That would be like self bullying or something. It's not like I just walk around constantly saying I'm awesome and I'm never rude about but if I make some thing super cool for work I'm going to show it off. Plus I'm fat, so even if I wanted to walk around constantly saying I'm awesome, I can get away with that shit. Half of the people would just look me up and down, turn to their friend and say "She's a little chubby, just let her have her moment in the sun." The other half would think I just have really low self-esteem and am being ironic, like one of those emo hipsters. So me being overly confident at times isn't hurting anyone.

Anyways, back to the staff meetings. It took me about 3 years before I really started coming out of my shell, it was kind of a slow drip and then one day it was like someone pull the string of one of those New Year's paper confetti bombs. Rachel glitter just flew everywhere. My very favorite staff meeting conversation was earlier this summer. We were talking about a patron who gave us a hard time about something and is just a really arrogant and condescending guy all the time. So the discussion begins to waver off him to men in general who feel women are inferior and should be submissive to the man. DOT... DOT ..... *EYE TWITCH*GRUNT*DOT So then someone comments they could never be married to someone like that. So then I reply "Right! I don't know how that Jacey Duggard put up with that guy she was with for so long!"

I know, I am Satan. It's word vomit, I couldn't stop it from coming out.

The moans of disapproval that came from my co-workers was almost deafening. So then I open my big mouth again and say "Oh what? Too soon? HAR HAR HAR HAR"
One person didn't know what I was talking about, perhaps they live under a rock, so someone kindly explained that Jacey Duggard was the girl who was kidnapped and held captive in a backyard shanty for 18 years. Then they groaned too. You may wonder why this was my favorite staff meeting, I'll tell you!
Number 1. I always felt disapproving tension in previous staff meetings when I would make dumb (yet much less off color) remarks, at least this time there was actual vocal accompaniment. A moan or a boo is always a better reaction than silence.
Number 2. I have never gone that far since then and now most my jesting comments are met with a chuckle. I've given myself a measurable low so anything above that is considered funny now.

Inappropriate jokes aren't the only thing I am guilty of while at work. There is one other thing. Each summer a little show called Big Brother premieres and I go a little cray-cray. I start getting really sneaky, whispering to people random things, things that aren't even secrets, like "PSSSSSS...I was walking by that table over there....... and this book...... was sitting on it." **head tilt, smug look, raised eyebrows** I join several alliances that only exist in my own mind, play competitions for imaginary vetos and sometimes I lock myself in the breakroom and pretend it's the HOH room. One time I even burnt a co-worker's face with a cigarette during my Evil Dick stage.

So I get a little carried away sometimes. Who can blame me for trying to make my work day a little more exciting? When I got there, that library was full of books and silence. Someone had to do something.

K, bye.

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