Thursday, October 18, 2012

Rantin' and Ravin': Facebook Status Updates

This is something all too common, in fact if you have a Facebook account and were to check it right now you'd probably see one of these somewhere. It's those status updates that are clearly posted just to get attention. OBVIOUSLY all facebook statuses are posted to get attention, I'm talking about the ones that are like "I thought I was doing something right, you've proved that isn't true." or "I just want to lay down and cry but thanks to you I ran out of tears." or "OMG OMG OMG OMG...." That passive aggressive, vague bullshit. I'm not going to lie, I get on Facebook because I get bored in my regular life and like to get into errrrbody elses business. But when you post stupid shit like that it means I have to spend the next three days monitoring your Got-damn page to see what the hell you are crying about so I can make fun of you in the privacy of my own home, alone, because unlike you I don't have a dramatic enough social life. It's probably because I only have 2 friends. And yeah, maybe I am more pathetic than you but the fact that your dumb status updates are sometimes the HIGHLIGHT of my DAY is an excellent reason why you should post better statuses about your f-ed up life! And when people actually give you the attention you oh so crave and you either don't reply or say "I don't want to talk about it" makes me want to find you and feed you to mild mannered piranhas.
Remember back in school when you did they Who, What, When, Where, Why, How writing stuff? Facebook status updates should stick to that template. Seriously, look how much more informative the status becomes when everything is explained.

Old Way:

Creeper Rachel
I feel so cold and empty. Every time I try to do anything for myself everything falls apart around me. The worst part is, I don't know if it's someone else's fault or if I only have myself to blame.......

Like      Comment      Share       5 mins ago

Non-Facebook Savvy Older Relative likes this
Confused Rob Husband What's wrong?!
Concerned Co-Worker Everything alright? Call me if you want to talk!
Well-Meaning Friend of Mother Don't worry hun everything will turn out ok! *Hugz*

Best Friend Lynsey Quit being a little beotch...

New Way:

Creeper Rachel

Who: Myself
What: I'm Pissed
When: All Day
Where: At Home

Why: Lost my favorite pair of seagull underoos
How: Either stolen or I left them in the Walmart cereal aisle when I was picking out my breakfast.

                    Like      Comment      Share         5 mins ago

EVERYONE likes this.

See what I did there? Isn't that like 1000 times better? Isn't that easier than trying to decipher some cryptic Facebook status code? And look! EVERYONE likes this!! Amazing! I admit I have probably posted some of these terrible and annoying open ended statuses once or twice. I have friends and relatives who do this, to them I say, do you bitches! But have the courtesy to drop me a quick message so I know what your crying about. I probably won't reply but it will keep me from spreading horribly incorrect rumors about you. If you aren't willing to do that then you have no reason to post that shit. If your updates persist, I'm just going to start leaving really stupid, inconsiderate comments on your status and then if you ever confront me I'll be like "Aww yeah. I was hacked......Oh you read my blog...AWKWAAARDDDD!!" And slowly Frankenstein walk away. RAWR!

The End....for now...I guess

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