OOOHH Dreeaamweeaver, I believe you can get me through the niii-IIGHT

Dreams are crazy. I don't feel like we can be blamed for what happens in our dreams, technically it's our dreamselves. I'm not just saying that due to the inappropriate dream I had last night or even from my early morning, groggy Facebook search of a featured player from my dream last night to which I thought to myself, "Damn....you are really good looking..." which I then winked at myself and fell back asleep for a couple hours. But I will admit I started to feel a little bit guilty for my dreamactions between the 4th and 5th hit of the snooze button, that's usually about the time I gain some lucidity in the mornings.

On the one hand, dreamRachel should be allowed to do whatever she wants. I don't feel like our dreamselves should be held to any moral standard. We should be fully supportive of our dreamselves because they are basically us, just slightly blurrier. "Get it girl. You look real cute and there are no rules in dreamland."
On the other hand, in this specific instance, dreamRachel had to sit through several minutes of dreamSister yelling at me and calling me a whore. Which seems a little harsh considering I didn't even get past some light groping before we were rudely interrupted. Plus by the time this all happened dude was like, "Uhh....I'm going to go..." Which you can't really stop them at that point because then it's desperate and sad and weird so I was just like, "UGH. Fine. Bye. Maybe I'll see you later back on that beach outside with that angry restaurant owner in the cabana selling seashells. I guess."

So how can I feel bad about almost getting dreamlaid when I barely even got a foot on third base? I mean, my brain sent in my sister to break it up. If I wasn't such a stand up person, I'd almost argue that I should get at least a free pass for a hardcore make-out sesh in real life to make up for the fact that I'm constantly cock-blocking myself in my dreams. But that wouldn't be right...unless my husband would be ok with that...not saying I would but I mean, I guess if he was like, "Yeah, go for it" it would be rude to not do it, probably.

Anyways, my point is, we really can't be held responsible for what we do in our dreams, whether it be flying or heavy petting or street fighting but not being able to do any damage with our punches. So dream on little dreamers, embrace those few moments of pure, unadulterated freedom each night where you can do whatever you want and never have to worry about the repercussions. It's just a dream, unless you are awake, then that is real life and there are consequences.

Littlest Pet Shop of Horrors

Do you ever wondering if people who are really annoying realize just how incredibly annoying they are? We do.

We have this little pet/gardening supplies store in our town that I frequent to buy the house bun bun his pellets. He was about out so when I was off work last week I stopped by to pick some more up. Apparently they had just gotten a shipment of new fish in and they were getting everyone floated in their tanks and what not. I walk in, one of the guys greets me, asks if I need anything, I tell him no, just picking up some food and taking a look around. The other employees are clearly busy trying to put stuff away, the guy that greeted me goes into his office and answers the phone. So of course I start poking all the bunnies and taking to myself, "OOOOO SATINS! I wanna love you. Get in my purse, no one has to know.." "OOOOOO DUMBO RATS! Deeeguuuuuuuu" "OOOOO A GREEN-CHEEKED CONTURE! BIRDS."

I make my way over to the reptile area and I'm looking in all the cages, one of the employees sees me looking at a new snake and says, "We just got that guy in, he is a really cool green color." and I'm like "IS IT A GREEN VINE SNAKE?!" "Umm..not sure. He eats crickets though." "COOL. ARE THERE MORE GECKOS UNDER THAT HIDE?" "Uh yeah." He lifts up the log and I said, "COOL MORPHS! WOW! LOOK AT THAT BIG ONE! BLIZZARD MORPH?! COOL." Then he asks, "Do you want a gecko?" "YEAH. But I'm not allowed one -_-"

So I continued to walk around asking hypothetical questions and pointing out the different reptiles, "OOO ANOLES...OOO BEARDIE...OOO CRESTED!" Then I go back to check on the fish tanks, literally barreling through their boxes because I'm basically an unsupervised child at this point. "YOU GOT IN SOME PUFFERS! FIGURE EIGHT PUFFERS!! SPOTTEDS TOO!!!COOL." Then the very patient employee says, "Oh come here, you'll like these guys.." and walks me over to another tank with some Indian Dwarf puffers in it. "AWWWW. THEY ARE SO CUTE! IS THIS BRACKISH?! IS IT FRESH?! HEY YOU GOT ANOTHER SIDENECK TURTLE! WHAT KIND OF CAT (catfish) IS THIS?! red tail? I LOVE REDTAILS! THEY ARE MY FAVORITE SPECIES OF CATFISH!" Side Note* Red-tailed catfish get huge and should not really be sold as a hobby fish in a pet store.

I knew I was getting super annoying but I didn't care because animals. Finally, I went and checked out and they were happy to see me go. Also for the record, I am usually very against stores selling pets, especially rabbits, but this one is pretty good as far as care goes. I used to go in all the time and yell at them about whoever they bought bunnies from weaning the babies too quickly but I noticed they are doing a lot better about it. Yes, I'm that crazy lady. My husband refuses to go in the store with me anymore because of my behavior.

I'm Just A Teenage Dirtbag, Baby

When I was a teenager, I was an asshole.

"Oh you, everyone is an asshole when they are younger." No, I mean I was a huge, f-ing asshole. For literally no reason except for the fact I could be an asshole. I would get ridiculously mad over little things, like my mom asking me to do something like do the dishes. Sometimes I wouldn't even need a reason, I was just mad..and sad..and every single other emotion all at the same time. It was a hurricane of teen angst. Even now, when I look back on it, I can't think of a single thing I could say to teen me that would have made me calm the shit down. And frankly I can't think of a single thing teen me could say to adult me that would prevent adult me from beating teen me's ass. If I could go back in time, walk up and just sucker punch teenage me, I would do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even care if I ended up in jail, which would be bullshit anyways, beating the crap out of your younger self after all the effort time travel takes shouldn't be against the law in any timeline.

I can picture that interaction.
Adult me- "Hey asshole. *sucker punch*"
Teen me- "You f-ing bitch, what the hell?!"
*Struggle, struggle, struggle..fist fight...I sit on teen me*
Adult me- "Listen up you little fucker, I'm you from the future. You need to knock this 'I think I'm a badass' shit off right now or so help me God I will ruin your life."
Teen me- "Well I've got a real smart mouth and act like I have my period 24/7 and I hate everything."
Adult me- "Yeah, and I came all the way back in time to slap you in that smart mouth of yours, you little emo piece of shit. What the hell is wrong with you? Because I try to think back to what was so bad in our life that you felt the need to constantly be a dick and I can't figure it out. Honestly, I don't even care, just knock it off."
Teen me- "Well I'm not EVER going to stop being a smart ass. You can't tell me what to do anyways. You don't even technically exist yet. Plus you look like you have your shit together. I mean you managed to care enough to find a time machine and come back here to teach me a lesson. Do we end up in prison? Why you gotta be all up in my business?"
Adult me- "Uh, well, no.. no we don't end up in prison. I mean, like life is pretty good. We have a good job, a great family, a house, nice car.. there is this thing called Amazon Prime that we order whatever the hell we want and get it in like two days. Our husband doesn't even care that we spent like $30 in juggling paraphernalia last month..."
Teen me- "Then why the hell are you here? If shit worked out so well, why are you sitting on me?........Oh fuck.. are..are we dying? ARE WE FUCKING DYING?! Oh God, what is it? Are you addicted to prescription pills or something? WHAT DID YOU DO, FUTURE ME?!"
Adult me- "Jesus spaz, calm down. We aren't fucking dying. I dunno, I guess I just don't like you that much. I mean, not that I didn't learn anything. You are going to do a lot of stupid shit but we'll learn some valuable life lessons from it. I guess just tone it down a little. At least be nicer to our family. Stop being such a dick to Mom, help out around the house a little. Do some homework once in awhile. Don't take anything for granted and talk to your great grandmother more."
Teen me- "Ok! Whatever! Now leave me alone I'm going to go listen to Blink 182, circle things I want in my Delia*s catalog and then write all over my bedroom wall to express my constant sorrow because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME."

 Yep. Sounds accurate.

Stolen Office Supplies

It's the day before Halloween and my blog is getting a bunch of hits from Pinterest again. To keep with my creative streak, I present all the shit I have told my co-workers I stole from work and what I did with it:

1. Hundreds of gallons of water from the water cooler to fill my exotic koi fish pond.
2. All the white-out and I used it to paint my house. When they asked how the white-out doesn't wash off in the rain..
3. Rolls and rolls of book tape that I used to shittily laminate my entire house. It's kind of like thicker clear packing tape but it says book tape so it's more expensive.
4. Black sharpies. For touching up the black shutters on my house. Not for butt stuff, you perv.
5. Toilet paper. This one is for butt stuff.
6. One year we had a bunch of DVDs stolen from their cases. I told them it was me and I have an expansive collection if anyone ever wants to come over and "Stolen dvd and chill". Wink wink.
7. Lots and lots of paperclips. I melted them down and made them into new gutters.
8. Binder clips. They hold up my shower curtain.

Lately I've been hoarding rubber bands, I'm planning on weaving them together and making a trampoline.

Anytime something goes missing, I claim to have stolen it. In retrospect this is probably a really stupid idea but whatever. If people take me seriously, that's their issue. And if I get framed for theft by a rouge co-worker and go to prison, that's between me, the state and my new prison wife, Big Deborah.

Save the Drama

I think the worst people in the world are the ones who gossip and lie about other people in hopes to get them ahead somehow or make them look like they are trustworthy. If you spend hours of your day, gossiping and telling half truths or even just stating things way out of context because you know it will sound a lot worse, please do everyone a favor and go somewhere. Just go, get on outta here.

To be clear, I don't mean the occasional, "OH MY GOD. I can NOT stand so-and-so. They are completely ridiculous. I told her that I wouldn't be able to meet up later because my boss is making me stay late to work on a special project and she hung up on me. Now she won't return any of my texts or calls because she's upset with me. I can't just leave and I don't why she doesn't get it." There is a huge, HUGE between venting or saying something that actually took place and the shit I'm talking about.

For instance, say you had something come up at work:
You - "Hey, I am so bummed. You know how we are already super short handed at work? Well Jillian quit and Todd had emergency brain surgery. I know I promised to hang out all day with you on your birthday and go to the spa and shit but I wanted to warn you I *might* have to work for a few hours. It's not for sure yet, they were going to look at the schedule and try to figure something out. They know I've have a request in for taking that day off for months and they are really good and making sure we get the days off we ask for. It's probably not even going to affect my schedule, I just brought it up on the very super slim chance, everyone else dies and I have to work."

A normal person might remark: " Man that sucks but I totally understand. We will just hope for the best! Worse case scenario we can always meet up once you're off!"

You - "Like I said, honestly I probably won't even have to go in. Doug has been looking for extra hours and Tiffany is going on vacation soon and wanted some extra cash. I just wanted to let you know so I don't disappoint you. I'll let you know what's up as soon as they tell me!"

Normal person - "It's cool, man! Don't worry about it! I know you've been stressed out lately with everything going on. I can't wait to see you! Call me and let me know what's up, I have to go Heimlich Maneuver this guy choking on a hot dog."

Then you have this person:

You - "....everyone else dies and I have to work."

Dramatic a-hole: "OMG ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. WELL I MIGHT AS WELL CALL AND CANCEL OUR RESERVATION THEN. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOTALLY RUINED, I MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN HAVE ONE. I MADE RESERVATIONS, I PICKED OUT A PLACE FOR LUNCH, MY OUTFIT. FORGET IT. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO A BETTER JOB THAN ME, THEN YOU JUST DO IT."

You - "Woah! Like I said, I probably won't even have to go in! There are two other people who want the hours. I just wanted to bring it up in case something weird happens and they need me."

Dramatic a-hole - "JUST FORGET IT, I ALREADY CALLED AND CANCELLED THE RESERVATION. THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT. I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN SO I NEVER HAD A BIRTHDAY SO YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE RUINED IT."

And that's when someone gets a round house kick to the face.

Transformation Tuesday

So I posted this picture to Facebook last Tuesday for Transformation Tuesday:

April 29, 2014 to October 6, 2015

Because I've been working really hard to lose weight for the last 16 or so months. Being the Negative Yet Realistic Rachel I am, I'm sure there are plenty of people who look at this and think, "Yo bitch, it's nothing special that you lost a bunch of weight you should have never gained in the first place. There is no reason to applaud you." To those people I say, "Fuck you" and also "Yeah, you're completely right." It's true, I NEVER should have allowed myself to gain that much weight. I wasn't disabled, I didn't have a pregnancy, there was absolutely no reason what so ever I should have gained that much weight. I have no excuse for why but this is the how:

June 2013 - We finally decided we would have a baby so I quit taking my birth control and started preparing. So exciting!
August 2013 - First month of actually trying to conceive.
September 2013 - Didn't work. Sad but that's ok! Maybe it will just take a couple months for my body to get back to normal after years of birth control. Let's try again!
October 2013 - Nope. Maybe I just needed to even out my hormones a little longer.
November 2013 - Another negative. Went to a baby seminar, felt stupid but won a baby bathtub. There was still hope at this point.
December 2013 - October 2014 - Still nothing. Starting to think something isn't right so we make an appointment with an OB/GYN. During this time, I went through all the emotions. Every month I would go from hopefully to devastated. It was getting to be too much. At the doctor's we did one test on me, one test on husband. Our 3rd and last appointment, the doctor told us there was nothing they could do here for us, referred us to a fertility clinic and thanked us for coming. He told us to come back if we got pregnant.

I don't remember when it started, maybe some point in spring 2013, I pretty much just slowly got to the point where I stopped caring, I became super destructive and just didn't give a shit what happened to me. I didn't care about anything, I just wanted to feel good or numb or anything other than sad. I just wanted to sleep, eat, party, repeat. (To be fair, those are still in my top five activities) But instead of moderation or control I did these things with reckless abandon. I was selfish and I saw nothing wrong with that behavior.

Moral of the story: I obviously didn't handle shit well. I know that, I live with those consequences every day. Every time I put on my clothes, every time I look in the mirror. I know it was stupid, believe me. But it happened and the only thing I can do at this point is try to fix it. Which is I'm doing.

What's Up Pussy Cat?

My sister and our friend were watching the show "Brain Games" one night when I wandered in to tell them my recent embarrassing story. I was scroll through Facebook and saw a bowl of soup:

 

So I was like "THIS SOUP LOOKS GOOD!" 

 It was freaking cat food. Rob thought it was hilarious. So I had to go tell them my story and I interrupted their show. They asked if I wanted to stay and watch so I did. The show is interactive and one of the quizzes or whatever was this:
Three questions. Answer quickly and out loud. 
 How often do you exercise? "Never"
What was your high school GPA? "Probably like 1.5"
How tall are you? "5'10" or so"

I answer the questions out loud and then the show goes on to say, "Now I want you to ask yourself and be honest. Did you over exaggerate or inflate your answers to any of these three questions? If you did, you're not alone!"

No. Actually I didn't inflate my answers. They were completely honest. Brutally honest. I nearly made myself cry. I think this tells you a lot about my character. Honest to a fault and would probably eat that cat food. Next time I go on an interview I am totally telling this story and the interviewer will probably give me their job.