Thursday, November 5, 2015

I'm Just A Teenage Dirtbag, Baby

When I was a teenager, I was an asshole.

"Oh you, everyone is an asshole when they are younger." No, I mean I was a huge, f-ing asshole. For literally no reason except for the fact I could be an asshole. I would get ridiculously mad over little things, like my mom asking me to do something like do the dishes. Sometimes I wouldn't even need a reason, I was just mad..and sad..and every single other emotion all at the same time. It was a hurricane of teen angst. Even now, when I look back on it, I can't think of a single thing I could say to teen me that would have made me calm the shit down. And frankly I can't think of a single thing teen me could say to adult me that would prevent adult me from beating teen me's ass. If I could go back in time, walk up and just sucker punch teenage me, I would do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even care if I ended up in jail, which would be bullshit anyways, beating the crap out of your younger self after all the effort time travel takes shouldn't be against the law in any timeline.

I can picture that interaction.
Adult me- "Hey asshole. *sucker punch*"
Teen me- "You f-ing bitch, what the hell?!"
*Struggle, struggle, struggle..fist fight...I sit on teen me*
Adult me- "Listen up you little fucker, I'm you from the future. You need to knock this 'I think I'm a badass' shit off right now or so help me God I will ruin your life."
Teen me- "Well I've got a real smart mouth and act like I have my period 24/7 and I hate everything."
Adult me- "Yeah, and I came all the way back in time to slap you in that smart mouth of yours, you little emo piece of shit. What the hell is wrong with you? Because I try to think back to what was so bad in our life that you felt the need to constantly be a dick and I can't figure it out. Honestly, I don't even care, just knock it off."
Teen me- "Well I'm not EVER going to stop being a smart ass. You can't tell me what to do anyways. You don't even technically exist yet. Plus you look like you have your shit together. I mean you managed to care enough to find a time machine and come back here to teach me a lesson. Do we end up in prison? Why you gotta be all up in my business?"
Adult me- "Uh, well, no.. no we don't end up in prison. I mean, like life is pretty good. We have a good job, a great family, a house, nice car.. there is this thing called Amazon Prime that we order whatever the hell we want and get it in like two days. Our husband doesn't even care that we spent like $30 in juggling paraphernalia last month..."
Teen me- "Then why the hell are you here? If shit worked out so well, why are you sitting on me?........Oh fuck.. are..are we dying? ARE WE FUCKING DYING?! Oh God, what is it? Are you addicted to prescription pills or something? WHAT DID YOU DO, FUTURE ME?!"
Adult me- "Jesus spaz, calm down. We aren't fucking dying. I dunno, I guess I just don't like you that much. I mean, not that I didn't learn anything. You are going to do a lot of stupid shit but we'll learn some valuable life lessons from it. I guess just tone it down a little. At least be nicer to our family. Stop being such a dick to Mom, help out around the house a little. Do some homework once in awhile. Don't take anything for granted and talk to your great grandmother more."
Teen me- "Ok! Whatever! Now leave me alone I'm going to go listen to Blink 182, circle things I want in my Delia*s catalog and then write all over my bedroom wall to express my constant sorrow because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME."

 Yep. Sounds accurate.

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