Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Transformation Tuesday

So I posted this picture to Facebook last Tuesday for Transformation Tuesday:

April 29, 2014 to October 6, 2015

Because I've been working really hard to lose weight for the last 16 or so months. Being the Negative Yet Realistic Rachel I am, I'm sure there are plenty of people who look at this and think, "Yo bitch, it's nothing special that you lost a bunch of weight you should have never gained in the first place. There is no reason to applaud you." To those people I say, "Fuck you" and also "Yeah, you're completely right." It's true, I NEVER should have allowed myself to gain that much weight. I wasn't disabled, I didn't have a pregnancy, there was absolutely no reason what so ever I should have gained that much weight. I have no excuse for why but this is the how:

June 2013 - We finally decided we would have a baby so I quit taking my birth control and started preparing. So exciting!
August 2013 - First month of actually trying to conceive.
September 2013 - Didn't work. Sad but that's ok! Maybe it will just take a couple months for my body to get back to normal after years of birth control. Let's try again!
October 2013 - Nope. Maybe I just needed to even out my hormones a little longer.
November 2013 - Another negative. Went to a baby seminar, felt stupid but won a baby bathtub. There was still hope at this point.
December 2013 - October 2014 - Still nothing. Starting to think something isn't right so we make an appointment with an OB/GYN. During this time, I went through all the emotions. Every month I would go from hopefully to devastated. It was getting to be too much. At the doctor's we did one test on me, one test on husband. Our 3rd and last appointment, the doctor told us there was nothing they could do here for us, referred us to a fertility clinic and thanked us for coming. He told us to come back if we got pregnant.

I don't remember when it started, maybe some point in spring 2013, I pretty much just slowly got to the point where I stopped caring, I became super destructive and just didn't give a shit what happened to me. I didn't care about anything, I just wanted to feel good or numb or anything other than sad. I just wanted to sleep, eat, party, repeat. (To be fair, those are still in my top five activities) But instead of moderation or control I did these things with reckless abandon. I was selfish and I saw nothing wrong with that behavior.

Moral of the story: I obviously didn't handle shit well. I know that, I live with those consequences every day. Every time I put on my clothes, every time I look in the mirror. I know it was stupid, believe me. But it happened and the only thing I can do at this point is try to fix it. Which is I'm doing.

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