Save the Drama

I think the worst people in the world are the ones who gossip and lie about other people in hopes to get them ahead somehow or make them look like they are trustworthy. If you spend hours of your day, gossiping and telling half truths or even just stating things way out of context because you know it will sound a lot worse, please do everyone a favor and go somewhere. Just go, get on outta here.

To be clear, I don't mean the occasional, "OH MY GOD. I can NOT stand so-and-so. They are completely ridiculous. I told her that I wouldn't be able to meet up later because my boss is making me stay late to work on a special project and she hung up on me. Now she won't return any of my texts or calls because she's upset with me. I can't just leave and I don't why she doesn't get it." There is a huge, HUGE between venting or saying something that actually took place and the shit I'm talking about.

For instance, say you had something come up at work:
You - "Hey, I am so bummed. You know how we are already super short handed at work? Well Jillian quit and Todd had emergency brain surgery. I know I promised to hang out all day with you on your birthday and go to the spa and shit but I wanted to warn you I *might* have to work for a few hours. It's not for sure yet, they were going to look at the schedule and try to figure something out. They know I've have a request in for taking that day off for months and they are really good and making sure we get the days off we ask for. It's probably not even going to affect my schedule, I just brought it up on the very super slim chance, everyone else dies and I have to work."

A normal person might remark: " Man that sucks but I totally understand. We will just hope for the best! Worse case scenario we can always meet up once you're off!"

You - "Like I said, honestly I probably won't even have to go in. Doug has been looking for extra hours and Tiffany is going on vacation soon and wanted some extra cash. I just wanted to let you know so I don't disappoint you. I'll let you know what's up as soon as they tell me!"

Normal person - "It's cool, man! Don't worry about it! I know you've been stressed out lately with everything going on. I can't wait to see you! Call me and let me know what's up, I have to go Heimlich Maneuver this guy choking on a hot dog."

Then you have this person:

You - "....everyone else dies and I have to work."

Dramatic a-hole: "OMG ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. WELL I MIGHT AS WELL CALL AND CANCEL OUR RESERVATION THEN. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOTALLY RUINED, I MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN HAVE ONE. I MADE RESERVATIONS, I PICKED OUT A PLACE FOR LUNCH, MY OUTFIT. FORGET IT. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO A BETTER JOB THAN ME, THEN YOU JUST DO IT."

You - "Woah! Like I said, I probably won't even have to go in! There are two other people who want the hours. I just wanted to bring it up in case something weird happens and they need me."

Dramatic a-hole - "JUST FORGET IT, I ALREADY CALLED AND CANCELLED THE RESERVATION. THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT. I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN SO I NEVER HAD A BIRTHDAY SO YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE RUINED IT."

And that's when someone gets a round house kick to the face.

Transformation Tuesday

So I posted this picture to Facebook last Tuesday for Transformation Tuesday:

April 29, 2014 to October 6, 2015

Because I've been working really hard to lose weight for the last 16 or so months. Being the Negative Yet Realistic Rachel I am, I'm sure there are plenty of people who look at this and think, "Yo bitch, it's nothing special that you lost a bunch of weight you should have never gained in the first place. There is no reason to applaud you." To those people I say, "Fuck you" and also "Yeah, you're completely right." It's true, I NEVER should have allowed myself to gain that much weight. I wasn't disabled, I didn't have a pregnancy, there was absolutely no reason what so ever I should have gained that much weight. I have no excuse for why but this is the how:

June 2013 - We finally decided we would have a baby so I quit taking my birth control and started preparing. So exciting!
August 2013 - First month of actually trying to conceive.
September 2013 - Didn't work. Sad but that's ok! Maybe it will just take a couple months for my body to get back to normal after years of birth control. Let's try again!
October 2013 - Nope. Maybe I just needed to even out my hormones a little longer.
November 2013 - Another negative. Went to a baby seminar, felt stupid but won a baby bathtub. There was still hope at this point.
December 2013 - October 2014 - Still nothing. Starting to think something isn't right so we make an appointment with an OB/GYN. During this time, I went through all the emotions. Every month I would go from hopefully to devastated. It was getting to be too much. At the doctor's we did one test on me, one test on husband. Our 3rd and last appointment, the doctor told us there was nothing they could do here for us, referred us to a fertility clinic and thanked us for coming. He told us to come back if we got pregnant.

I don't remember when it started, maybe some point in spring 2013, I pretty much just slowly got to the point where I stopped caring, I became super destructive and just didn't give a shit what happened to me. I didn't care about anything, I just wanted to feel good or numb or anything other than sad. I just wanted to sleep, eat, party, repeat. (To be fair, those are still in my top five activities) But instead of moderation or control I did these things with reckless abandon. I was selfish and I saw nothing wrong with that behavior.

Moral of the story: I obviously didn't handle shit well. I know that, I live with those consequences every day. Every time I put on my clothes, every time I look in the mirror. I know it was stupid, believe me. But it happened and the only thing I can do at this point is try to fix it. Which is I'm doing.

What's Up Pussy Cat?

My sister and our friend were watching the show "Brain Games" one night when I wandered in to tell them my recent embarrassing story. I was scroll through Facebook and saw a bowl of soup:

 

So I was like "THIS SOUP LOOKS GOOD!" 

 It was freaking cat food. Rob thought it was hilarious. So I had to go tell them my story and I interrupted their show. They asked if I wanted to stay and watch so I did. The show is interactive and one of the quizzes or whatever was this:
Three questions. Answer quickly and out loud. 
 How often do you exercise? "Never"
What was your high school GPA? "Probably like 1.5"
How tall are you? "5'10" or so"

I answer the questions out loud and then the show goes on to say, "Now I want you to ask yourself and be honest. Did you over exaggerate or inflate your answers to any of these three questions? If you did, you're not alone!"

No. Actually I didn't inflate my answers. They were completely honest. Brutally honest. I nearly made myself cry. I think this tells you a lot about my character. Honest to a fault and would probably eat that cat food. Next time I go on an interview I am totally telling this story and the interviewer will probably give me their job.
 

Book Reviews For Honest People: Attachments

I just, literally JUST, (two months ago) finished this book Attachments by Rainbow Rowell. It was actually quite good, for what I would consider an easy read.  The reason why I felt I NEEDED to blog about it is because I had an epiphany just as I finished it.
Ok, so there are two story lines happening throughout this book, it goes back and forth between each one which is the type of style I LOVE. It's what I would kind of call a rom-com/chick lit which I'm not usually into, or allowed to be into. As it was said in our pre-marriage counseling session AND I QUOTE, "She has an unrealistic standard of what a relationship is.." - Rob "Always be hatin" Lavender. Whatever, so maybe I would like for my life to play out like a romantic comedy, sue me.

Regardless, one story line follows Lincoln, the man character who sounds like a huge nerd and works in IT for a newspaper, but more like a "technology security" type position. The second story line follows two ladies who work for the same newspaper and all of their story is written in an emailing each other format, Beth and Jennifer. So Lincoln gets this job and a part of it is anytime an email gets flagged due to trigger words like sex, secret, etc. it goes to a folder and he has to check it and if it is inappropriate or personal, he has to send them a warning to stop. He starts reading these interactions between Beth and Jennifer, which are all personal emails between friends and decides not to send them any warnings because he thinks they are nice people and whatever. Well he keeps reading their flagged emails and learns all this personal stuff about them and starts to really like Beth even though she has a boyfriend. Keep in mind, he is reading their personal emails to each other. At one point he even goes up and is creeping around Beth's desk and going to her boyfriend's shows (he is a musician).

All this very, VERY sketchy behavior but just as the reader starts to think "uhhhhhhhhhh......this Lincoln guy is a freaking weirdo stalker" we find out that actually even though he still lives with his mom, works in IT, plays Dungeons and Dragons when he isn't just staying home being a loner, Lincoln is apparently smokin' hot and all big and muscular, testosterone pumping through him with his chiseled jaw and devastatingly good looks. Like magic, he goes from complete psycho to "OMG, like it's totally ok that he is totally invading their privacy and whatever. *Sigh* I bet he has a great ass. Oh! He just joined the gym. <insert impure thoughts of beads of sweat slowly dripping down Lincoln's perfectly formed body. Flowing down the ripple of his 6 pack and melting into the waistband of this tight, red boxer briefs.> (This is actually a very tame book, I just added all the pervy parts in my own mind because I'm deviant like that...)

Why? Why is this beardo behavior suddenly acceptable just because we find out this character is a modern day Adonis? Because when it comes down to it we are all shallow assholes and (most of the time) it's is easier to forgive bad behavior if the person is good looking. Shame on you, society. Ya'll need to strip down and get to steppin. SHAME..SHAME..SHAME..*rings bell*

That Time Chicago Turned Me Emo.

Chicago is great. There is always something to do, the museums, aquarium and the planetarium are awesome, food everywhere, sports, anything you could possibly think of to eat, see or do can come to fruition in Chicago.
That being said, enjoy this life lesson I picked up while visiting the Adler Planetarium.

On day 4 of our vacation, we went to the Adler Planetarium. This was on a Saturday so it was a little busy but nothing too crazy. We got to Adler about noon and with our admission we were able to choose a couple shows to watch while we were there. So we pick a couple, the first one being at 12:45, 45 minutes after our arrival. It was called "Welcome To The Universe" and at the beginning it seemed pretty awesome. Looked at the Earth, they outlined all the orbit paths of the various satellites, then they backed out to our solar system, then our galaxy. It was about this point when I stopped hearing the actual narrator and began hearing my own commentary which went something like this:

"Yeah, you see that shit? Do you realize how insignificant your life is? NOTHING MATTERS! To this universe, you are literally nothing. Earth, in it's entirety, is nothing, your solar system is nothing, hell your galaxy is nothing. In 2 billion or so years, the Milky Way galaxy and Andromeda galaxy are set to collide. IN 2 BILLION YEARS. Long after everyone is dead and gone, the universe will continue to be. So the Earth and it's people and all that you stand for, doesn't matter. The universe is the ultimate honey badger, it gives literally zero fucks. If all life on Earth ended right now, doesn't matter. Also, you are an alien."

There I am, in the throes of an existential crisis, wearing 3D glasses. If that's not a damn good metaphor for my life I don't know what is. I can solidly say I have never had a 30 minute film make me feel so insignificant in my entire life. And they have a guy who sits behind the audience narrating the whole time while running the film. I can't even imagine how that guy feels everyday after work. Maybe he does it so much that the words just don't affect him anymore. Or he has some serious, life affirming mantra he repeats regularly.

As if that wasn't enough, my mind decided to think back to the previous day at the Field Museum. Specifically to the exhibit that featured a timeline of all the mass extinctions. Seems to me we are due one any day now, in fact some scientists believe that we are already on the brink of the sixth mass extinction. "We’re currently experiencing the worst spate of species die-offs since the loss of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago." - The Center for Biological Diversity. So what's causing this? It's us. "99 percent of currently threatened species are at risk from human activities." Way to go humans, you dicks.

I have to say besides all that, it was a great trip. We did a bunch of stuff, saw a lot of things. I highly recommend visiting Chicago. The whole trip was super fun. Also Cirque Du Soleil's Kurios was probably the coolest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

He Ain't Heavy....

Before I begin I want to say that I love my boy, I can't imagine life without him. I would go to the ends of the Earth for him but I have to admit, being seen in public with him is kind of embarrassing. My name is Rachel and I have a fat, dramatic dog.

I know it's my own fault, I need to walk him more but there is a very good reason I don't. When we first got Rolo, we lived in a townhouse with no backyard. So to take him out to potty we would leash him and walk him around the little parking lot, grassy area and wait for him to take poos. We also walked a lot more back then so he was getting pretty good on a leash. When we bought a house we made sure it had a nice big backyard for him to run around in. This slightly backfired when Rolo decided he hated grass. Soon after we moved in, I tricked Rob into adopting a second dog. Bella taught Rolo how to go potty and play in the grass and everything was great.Then we got Saffy because I mean what's one more, amiright?

Fenced in yard = less walks (because we are mean like that). Less walks = Fat dogs and fat Rachels. So I decided I need to start walking these granimals again. I quickly learned that there is no way I could possibly walk all three hellhounds at the same time so I started walking them separately.  Another side effect of not taking Rolo on walks was his new inability to walk on a leash properly. Instead he likes to choke himself the entire way, stopping occasionally to hack and gag all over the place. Got a harness, still managed to choke himself.
Last fall we got another new harness that goes around his nose so if he pulls, it pulls his muzzle towards his chest so he'll stop. Rolo decided that he didn't like that so he stopped using his front legs. Just went limp, laid his face on the ground sideways and walked with his back legs to make it appear I was dragging him through the neighborhood like a terrible person. Then he found a field of dried grass clipping which he proceeded to drag his face through, setting off his allergies. And of course he wants to poop in everyone's yard, so when I stopped to pick that up, he fell over onto his side with a crazy look in his eye and refused to get up and walk. Finally I thought fuck it, I'll pick him up. There I was, carrying a pudgy, red-eyed, hacking terrier 3 blocks home. And he loved every damn minute of it.

Losing My Chicago Virginity

Quick post while we're on the road. I'm back for now, I'm sorry I left you but there was some stuff and then some other stuff but I'm back so weehaw!
We are actually en route to the Windy City as I type this. It's 5:59am and the sky is insanely gorgeous, it almost makes me want to get up this early every morning. Almost..
We've been "planning" this trip for months and by planning I mean talking about planning it but never actually sitting down to do it. We know some of the stuff we want to do but have yet to nail down our exact itinerary. Since apparently everyone has been to Chicago but us, we have had quite a few people suggest different things which is awesome because I feel like I totally dropped the ball on this trip. Usually I have everything scheduled, down to baby powder application stops so the chaffing doesn't get too out of control. Lately I've embraced the f-it attitude, just go with the flow and we'll end up wherever we end up. But yet again, my laziness has come back to bite me in the ass.
My good friend at work recently took a trip to Chicago and suggested a hotel out in one of the suburbs which sounded really nice. Free parking, near the train station, we can jump on and ride to downtown in about 40 minutes or so. Sounds great right? So I tell the husband, we book the hotel. Look at us, all proactive and shit.
Literally last night, as we are driving home from saying goodbye to my sister and niece, the mention of this train comes up. If you know me AT ALL, you are currently thinking to yourself "......biitchh..." because during this ENTIRE PLANNING PROCESS I FAILED TO CONNECT THE DOTS THAT I WILL HAVE TO RIDE A G-D DAMN TRAIN. I am terrified of freaking trains, so husband brings up the trains and I'm like "WOAH WOAH WOAH...Train? An actual train? Like the things that kill people" I don't know how the hell I managed to talk about this freaking hotel and taking the freaking train into downtown for MONTHS and it never occurred to me that I would actually have to take a death ride on said train. So I start freaking out asking particulars on exactly what kind of train this is, are you sure it's not like a tram, maybe one of those things you ride at zoos? He starts googling Chicago train videos, shows me one THAT RUNS IN THE MEDIAN OF A INTERSTATE, so now the fear has fully evolved into cold sweats and terror eyes. In an attempt to, what I assume was comfort me, he says "You are wayyyy more likely to die in a car than on a train...." Soooo in an instant, our fun family vacation quickly turned into a game of minesweeper, no one wins. I'm sure it will be fine and I'm sure I'm over reacting. But just in case, I want to let those who know my funeral plans that I thought about it, the airhorn remix into Straight Outta Compton might be too much if my death is really tragic but I want at least one airhorn in at least one song. Just a quick one, wah wahhh, just sneak it in.
I'll take pictures. Also I love you all and wish you were here.