Coming Soon: New Year's Eve

It's Christmas Eve Eve, which means 8 days until New Year's Eve! Yay! If there is one thing I love to do, it's party. I love being around people, the music, the dancing, the girl puking in the snow (last year was my sister). Ahhh. New Year's Eve! Unfortunately, New Year's Eve can be even more of a reality check then your birthday. It's the time that you realize your age is catching up with you. Maybe you don't necessarily feel old or even look old, but being surrounded by pretty, skinny, young girls and baby-faced, it's starting to get creepy looking at them, young men can really bust your bubble. I mean am I getting to old to be doing this?

For example, this is what I posted on Facebook:

 What is everyone doing for New Year's Eve? Yes, including you. I just want to know, so I can stalk people. I'll either be at da club (aka my garage, dancing by myself bc my mom doesn't let me have friends over) or Photoshopping my face into cool parties or I might pick one person who comments out randomly and follow them around all night taking creepy pictures. So hard to decide! Erg!

What do I get in response? Working, sitting at home, sleeping, blah blah blah...I mean that's fine for them but I'm only 27 25. I want to go out, have a good time, ring in the New Year with some crazy, drunk dancing to "Timber" by Pitbull ft. Ke$ha. Preferably somewhere out of town so no one knows me and I can wear crazy eyeshadow. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?! Last year I went out with my sister and her friends in the "big city". It was amazing and we danced and saw A LOT of interesting things. Some of them are still permanently scarred into my brain. It was awesome! And now I'm going through NYE withdrawals and I am really hoping we have another rocking NYE. If not, well then I give up on being young and I'm going to wear even more cardigans than I wear right now. WHICH IS A LOT.

Well hopefully I'll have at least one super rad picture to share of New Year's Eve.

BYE!

The Chronicles of a Fat Girl's Workout: 5k Edition

I was getting ready to write a new post when I discovered I had never published this little gem! It made me LOL, yes I laugh at myself no biggie, so I had to post it ASAP. Enjoy :)


So after all my bragging on Facebook about my *awesome* super fast 16 minute mile I can run, I found out about a 5k GlowRun that would be taking place about 60 or so miles from us. For some ridiculous reason I thought "I'M GOING TO DO IT!!!!" and started petitioning my younger sister and her roommates to go with. Then I asked my older sister and she talked to her friends and soon enough we had ourselves a little team. Unfortunately my younger sister couldn't get anyone to cover her shift at work. Oh yeah, because when this whole team getting together started it was only 10 or so days before the 5k. We don't need no stinkin' training! Shit I have already jogged 4 times, I know my legs work they just aren't fast. So why did I feel the need to pay $35 to run around crying and whining for 3.1 miles?

1. It's a GlowRun, so it happens at night, in the dark-ishness. It will be harder for people to see the expression on my face, which I've never watched myself in a mirror while I work out but I can't imagine it's attractive.
2. Free t-shirt saying I was in a 5k
3. Finisher's medal
4. Just to do one once in my life
5. There's music and blacklights and glowy stuff
6. It's not timed. The only thing they give awards for is dancing and outfit. If only everything in life was about dancing and costumes, I'd freaking rock it.
7. It will give me the next 5 years of Facebook profile pictures and will give the illusion I actually have a life and don't sit around all weekend talking to my dogs and rabbit.
8. There will be like 11,000+ people there, it will be a lot harder for anyone to narrow down those noises are coming from me. *GASP HUCKKKKKK PFFTTTTTTT WAAAAAA*
9. I can spend the night yelling "GLOW NINJA, GLOW NINJA, GLOW!" publicly displaying my love for Rob VanWinkle and his art without seeming out of place.
10. Because it's in April, it won't get too hot and I won't sweat to death, literally sweat to death.

So the week of the race we were luckily enough to get a shit load of rain and SNOW! Yes freaking snow on April 19th. It didn't last long but it was there. So obviously the weather is not what anyone expected for April, meaning my 5k apparal of a pair of those weird compression capri wourkout pants and the GlowRun provided t-shirt was not exactly warm enough. So I made this bad boy:

Smashing!

So not only was it freaking freezing but I also caught a mad case of allergies two days before which meant I could not breath AT ALL and I got to stuff my sports bra with tissue for my nose that was constantly dripping. I was completely miserable and it was terrible. I honestly thought I would at least be able to jog for awhile then maybe power walk, jog a little more. I could NOT breathe so all the work I did trying to get better at breathing while I jogged, OUT THE WINDOW.

So it took me like an hour to finish the damn thing, I'm miserable, freezing, can't breath, I didn't think about jog testing my pants first and those kept rolling down. But the thing that sucked most of all was..oh shoot I dunno..IT'S THREE MILES. THREE GOD DAMN MILES. That's a long f*cking ways, yo. Then I get home, tired as hell and I go on Facebook and people are like "Yay Glow Run, Yay!" or "So wanna do the Glow Run next year!" Are you kidding me?! Umm..were we at the same event?! Do you understand what a 5K is?! IT'S THREE MILES. Running is not fun, why do you think running away is used in emergency situations? Hey you're getting chased by a bear, run bitch! Not because it's fun but because it is the LAST RESORT to try to save your life. Honestly even if I was feeling on top of my game, I don't know if I would ever do another 5K because seriously, it's three miles. Yeah I know some people run that (or more) every day but I just can't handle it. So kudos to you, crazy running bastards. I'll save all my running for you. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Peace up, A town down.

Whhere Have You Been...all myy liiiiii-eee-iifeee

I haven't posted anything for awhile. The burning question here is "Where the hell have I been?!" Answer: Mostly Facebook stalking people, I dabbled in drinking on the weekends for a few weeks straight and I have definitely not been working out. I'm using this post to break free of this vicious cycle I have been in, every time I think about the fact I have not been posting on my blog I get depressed, then I don't feel like blogging, then I get depressed that I haven't blogged, so on and so forth. I have been reading lately. The perks of working at a library, advanced reader copies, and once a month I turn in an article for a local-ish publication. I do have like 3 or 4 good posts I haven't "published" on here because I get really working on them one day and then forget about it for awhile and by the time I come back I have to change all the wording to past tense because I don't wanna lie to you, 18 people who actually read the things I post, and also because some of the post is no longer relevant. So here are some of the things I learned in the last month or two:

#1 Tailgates aren't that fun. I thought it would be super fun to go tailgate for the big Iowa/Iowa State game but I soon found out that unless you are down with getting really drunk in the day time, tailgating is not for you. There were also a lot of douchey people and rich people. No offense. Not my scene, I'm more of a Honey Boo-Boo type person, minus having my own TV show and add that I have a job I have to act halfway decent while in public to keep. I'm basically reformed white trash, I can hang with the cool kids Monday thru Friday 8:30 to 5:30 but after that I'm just a hot mess. I did meet a couple cool people but then I was forced to experience the wrath of some super bitchy young 20-somethings and I was all "Look at me again, I'll cut you..I've been to prison." Ok I haven't been to prison but I've watched a lot of prison shows and I've driven past one before. I also walked from the tailgate site up to the stadium, full with intention of trying to sneak it because I didn't have tickets. That did not work out for me, I almost got tased by a National Guard guy. And then I got hit on by this college kid, who was so young he didn't realize this ring meant married. Or maybe he did either way, this segues into.....

#2 I am cute and young looking enough to get hit on by a college kid but chubby enough I must have seemed approachable. And to be completely honest, he wasn't anything to look at. It was very awkward for all parties involved. Especially because I just walked away mid-conversation:
Kid-"So ummm...there is this big party going on later,  if you and your friends want to go......"
Me- pause...."That's cool" pause..... *walk away*
Good thing I met husband because the older I get, the more awkward and socially inept I am becoming.

#3 No one wants to buy my crap. I helped my friend with her garage sale, took some stuff over and only made $16. From now on I am going to start marketing my crap as belonging to famous people. "This wire media shelf was once used by Tom Cruise to hold all his L.Ron Hubbard DVDs!"

#4 It doesn't take much to irritate me anymore. There have been several times I have wanted to walk out of work in the last month or so. I also am beginning to have a immense dislike for high school and college students. They are such know it alls who think they are the only ones who understand what is going on in the world. BAH. I think I realize I am getting old. I can't wait for them to find out what the real world is like. Someday they will have to swallow their pride work for bitter, old people like myself. And the world will be right again...yesss.

#5 Snapchat is a dangerous, dangerous social media. Everything starts off nice and cute, then you get a little bored, start sending funny drawings and pretty soon you find yourself taking pictures of things that are completely inappropriate and somewhat appalling. Thankfully for my friends, I have yet to send any of these and I somehow manage a little self control. Snapchats also require the use of my forward facing camera, or as I like to call it the most unflattering view finder EVER. I am no fancy phone photographer, I don't really know how to hold the camera, so most of my pics look like blurry zombies....Please, no screenshots.

So that's a tiny bit of what I have been up to. Hopefully I can start writing more on here. That would be cool.
Byyyeeeeeeeee.

What I learned on my 27th Birthday...

Holy crap. I have officially reached a new low in the blogging world. Not only am I totally slacking in posted ANYTHING but I also completely blew off posting anything for my poor neglected bloggy's birthday! Yes my little blog is now a one year old and this past weekend I celebrated a birthday of my own. Whoop! It was my 27th birthday and at first I was not too pumped about it about. 27 isn't a cool number like 21 or 25 or even 30 but I found out that every experience can be a learning experience so here is what I learned on my 27th birthday:

1. Husband knows best. One birthday gift I asked for this year was throwing knives, why? Because throwing knives sound awesome. The Husband is a genius because not only did he prevent anyone from buying me throwing knives but he also gave me some super awesome gifts that I liked WAY MORE than throwing knives. How in the hell do you make someone happier by NOT getting them something they asked for?! He is brilliant, I'm telling ya. Luckily I was able to convince my sister to buy them off Amazon for me so be watching the paper for my upcoming throwing knife accident.

2. I look like a bitch. I always thought to look like a bitch you had to be really pretty and fit looking but after being accosted by an angry lesbian while out celebrating my birthday who felt the need to tell me I was a bitch every 3 minutes when I was literally doing NOTHING, I learned that hey anyone can be a bitch, even if they aren't trying! In case you are wondering why I point out or how I knew she was a lesbian, my first clue was her appearance. Now I don't usually judge people by what they look like so I had to rely on other factors, like her telling me what I could do to her anytime, before coming to the conclusion that she might like girls. Which is fine by me. Just don't tell me how cute I am followed by an insult. That shit's rude.

3. My mom has to be reminded several times my birthday is approaching but will still forget to call me on my actual birthday. Geezzz. You will also be told you need to have a baby, by everyone.

4. Birthday cake flavored vodka does NOT taste like birthday cake.

5. If you lose $22 dollars on your birthday, you will find it again. Especially if you are at a super uncrowded bar and it fell out on the floor of the scary, basement dungeon of a bathroom no one wants to go in. 

6. When you turn 27 years old, you realize that having your friends, family and a bunch of wild kids at your house, playing in the pool, grilling out and eating cake, trumps going out to the bars as a birthday celebration. I'm not saying this is the last year I will be going out for my birthday but from now on I can safely say, "I'm getting to old for this".

So that's it. All the knowledge I can think of the bestow on you at this time.  I'll try not to be such a bad friend and keep up better on posting. kloveyou.bye!

Old People Know What They're Doing...

As I grow older, I find myself becoming more content with the things I have. Like the other day, I went to get a new phone. Not that I wanted a new phone but I was eligible for a new one and my phone was getting a little old and sure it didn't work half the time but I liked my phone. I didn't mind that it would freeze up or take forever to do stuff. I also don't really NEED anything, I used to constantly NEED things, random things that I really didn't need but I NEEEDDDDD ITTTTT. (With the except of the megaphone I saw the other day in a Kohl's....I do actually need that if someone could please get it for me.)

But besides the megaphone, I don't really NEED things like I used to. So as I sit and think about growing older, I find myself observing all the other things I can expect to happen as I age. Yes, I know I'm still kind of young and have a way to go before I'm actually an elderly person but the more I see, the more excited I am getting. So I've complied this list of awesome things I get to do when I'm old:

1. Act like the rules don't apply to me. Screw your rules, I'm old. I've been following rules too damn long, I do what I want!! Traffic laws, screw you, I'll drive in ALL the lanes muther fluckers! Parking spot lines, I'm done with your stupid yellow lines, I'll park where I want! Unspoken rules of common courtesy,  fu-get-about-it! I've been holding in my farts for years, I'll fart in public if I want! Crop dustin' beotchs.

2.Be super sweet or be a total asshole, maybe at the same time. This happens all the time. Some old lady will be really nice and as soon as you do or say something they don't agree with BAM. You're suddenly ruining people's lives and they "hope you're happy with yourself".

3. Discounts for being old. What can I say, I'm a cheap ass.

4. Super easy to dress. You can just buy a bunch of those sweatpant/sweatshirt sets. Or a couple zip front house dresses. And spandex waisted pants. And comfortable, velcro orthopedic footwear. Dis is da life...

5. No more work. You don't have to work anymore! You can spend your days doing whatever you want, like watching TV all day and you don't have to feel bad about it.

6. You get to wear full coverage underwear with no shame. Grannie Panties 4 Lyfe.

As you can see, there is a ton of cool shit you get to do once you're old. I don't know why people get so turned off by it. I've just realized that morbidly obese hill folk also reap the above stated benefits, with the exception of number three. And morbid obesity might be easier to achieve....hmmm...well that settles it. I'm off to KFC for a 12 piece family meal and google me some West Virgina real estate. Spandex, here I come!

Facebook Reposts- Rachel: A Memoir

I was browsing my own Facebook profile today when I found a "note" that I had posted back in 2009 that made me laugh. Automatic blog post? I think so! Reading it over I realize I was kind of a little bitch. For the record it's NOT ok to make fun of people because you think they are weird. I clearly wrote this before I realized I am weird myself. I could have re-wrote it and taken out the parts that I thought I was being too mean but I was who I was and editing it now doesn't change that fact. Please enjoy:

Haha.. this is a great example of who I am..

SO .. today I was going through all my crafting supplies, paper, etc and I hidden in a file folder I found a little something that is just an perfect example of me. What I found was a couple notes I just have to share with the world. I used to work at this place with a man named Phil, maybe in his 40's (?), and a gal named Julie, late 40's early 50's (?)..Some how , some way I started this thing at work where I would write funny little love notes to Phil everyday I worked, also involved in this love triangle was a guy, a guy who came in all the time, was just a little stinky, or very stinky, pretty fat, very unattractive,wore this great looking gold gym shorts and also had no idea how much we made fun of him, which looking back, I can see why we did, he was so weird.. (haha being cruel is another word for being honest).. we will call him.. *Tom* (name has been changed to protect the innocent)

Now for an exert from the book of Rachel:A Memoir: the High School Senior Year Edition
I will begin with a responsive note from phil to me:

Rachel,
Thanks for the rest of the candy. I can't believe *Tom* parted with food and gave it away. I know the REAL reason you gave me the rest of the candy. You miss me and want me back don't you! I know *Tom* is more of a man than I am ( about 140 lbs) more probably, but if he is willing to give you up, I'll take you back. I'm the biggest catch since Moby Dick so don't let this chance get away. Forever yours, Phil.. P.S. The box is empty, but my heart isn't! (Note: this was stuck on the top of an empty chocolate box.

My response to Phil:

Phil-
I've noticed *tom* hasn't been up to visit lately and when I saw him ringing bells outside of the mall he didn't say a word to me. Is this another one of your cheap shots to break up our once beautiful relationship? I tried to get a hold of him to ask if he would join me for my family Christmas. He won't return my calls so I am not returning his gold gym shorts. Something smells fishy here Phil, and its not his BO. These childish games have to stop. I love you Phil, but I'm not IN LOVE with you. You have to understand... what I need right now is a friend...be that friend Phil, be that friend.
Your FRIEND,
Rachel

Now a note I found at work another day.. from..well lets find out...

Phillip,
Owner and wife are in Missouri. Wife said she can't be here to keep an eye on you so you're not to get married or get in trouble until they get back!!!
Owner Said if it snows you can use the vehicle to clear the driveway. HA HA! Or you can call #### #####. #### said he would plow but if he forgets you should call him at home.
Also - I talked to Rachel about working tonight (Saturday) if I can't make the long journey in from ######. She said she would. I'll try my hardest just so I can see you and brush up against you! Oh how I miss you! I sure hope Rachel doesn't see this and get jealous. She might hurt me.. (heart drawn) Julie


My response on the note from Julie for Phil,,
Phill! How dare you!! I can't believe you and Julie! Right in front of me too! I was so blinded by love I didn't even notice what was going on! I was stupid to think I could get you to settle down. Once a bachelor, always a bachelor. I thought you wanted to be with me.. Me me me me me me me me! NOT JULIE! So what if she's always on time and her gas balances most of the time.. I try! Doesn't that count for anything?! All I can say is thanks.. Thanks for showing me there are no more good men left in this world. I just hope everything works out for you two. I'm not going to try anymore. I guess I'm meant to be alone. (sad face) Rachel

So that's all I have to share for today.. hopefully someday me and my love will meet again.. maybe I'll drop off a note and some flowers to him soon.. I wonder if that will finally put my heart at peace, or only bring back the feelings we both had for each other.. I guess we will all just have to wait until the next chapter in .....
*dramatic music*
Rachel: A Memoir

Creepity-Creep, Don't Stalk Back...

Lately something has really been bugging me. If you've ever had a blog, you might have seen under the statistics, a list of referring URLS or the websites from which people have accessed your blog. Most of the hits come from places like Google, Yahoo or Facebook but once in awhile really weird ones show up. When I first noticed these weird URLs I did the smart, internet savvy thing and Googled the address, instead of just clicking it. Turns out many of them are these creepy porn or other sketchy sites, it's a way of spamming people. You see a weird referring URL, click on it to see what it is, next thing you know your work computer screen is filled with naked lady parts and viruses. Even though I have read it is all done by an automated computer program thing, it still really creeps me out and makes me feel like there is some beard-o in a tiny hut somewhere in the Russian wilderness lurking around my blog. This new found paranoia is giving me a new perspective and my mind cannot be at easy until I go through and change some of the content I have posted to make me feel, safer I guess. Though this thought has been in the back of my mind since I first noticed it happening, the influx of these "visits" to my blog have me really on edge.

Ironically enough, this morning while I was cutting a billion bookmarks on the paper cutter at work, I had the following plot running through my head. People often leave their cell phones in public places, at work when we find these cell phones and usually look through them, just to find a home number or the number of a person we think would be with the owner so we can let them know their phone is safe and sound whenever they are able to come back and get it. Last night I joked with one of my co-workers and said if she ever saw my phone laying around, definitely look through it because I have a lot of weird stuff in there. So back to this morning, I'm cutting bookmarks and this is what pops into my head.
"Haha. I should get a notebook and pick out one of my co-workers to document everything about them everyday for like 6 months. Like what they are wearing, the things they said, make it really stalker-y and then "accidentally" drop it near them someday and when they look through it they'll be like "WTF?! WTF?! SHE'S CRAZY!!" And then I was like "OMG I should do it for everyone! It would be so funny when they found it!! Their reactions!!"

OK. Saying that out loud makes it sound super, super insane but in my eyes, knowing the sense of humor I have, it seemed really hilarious to me at the time. Now I am beginning to think that is the kind of shit I should never tell anyone because that would seriously get me locked up in a quick minute. But it made me think, how can I sit here and be so judgmental towards people I don't know, labeling them when I know what kind of crazy goes through my head everyday and I am clearly not a danger to society in anyway. Oh yeah, because they scare me. :D

I'm a special kind of nuts. Sure I have alter-egos but their existence is completely in my conscious, I am aware of them because they are just parts of my personality. And sure I've assigned them names and back stories, and they have sweet outfits. Maybe my super human, genius brain thought it was a good idea to split and personify my different ranges of emotions and personality characteristics as to make it more effortless to control my feelings. By giving myself the ability to regulate my emotions as one would say an unruly child, it leaves the majority of my brain to focus on important things such as relativity theories and dressing rabbits in hats. Maybe they are just characters I play, for all the world is a stage. Or maybe they are actually all my secret imaginary friends that also happen to be imaginary ghosts that sometimes possess my body. (*leans in and whispers* It's that one..*devious smile*)

SO! In conclusion, I'm still creeped out by all the weird phantom views of my blog, even if it's not a person, I'm going to go through and make sure I don't have anything on here I don't want Vlad and his tundra goat gawking at.

Until next time, loveyoubye!