Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Old People Know What They're Doing...

As I grow older, I find myself becoming more content with the things I have. Like the other day, I went to get a new phone. Not that I wanted a new phone but I was eligible for a new one and my phone was getting a little old and sure it didn't work half the time but I liked my phone. I didn't mind that it would freeze up or take forever to do stuff. I also don't really NEED anything, I used to constantly NEED things, random things that I really didn't need but I NEEEDDDDD ITTTTT. (With the except of the megaphone I saw the other day in a Kohl's....I do actually need that if someone could please get it for me.)

But besides the megaphone, I don't really NEED things like I used to. So as I sit and think about growing older, I find myself observing all the other things I can expect to happen as I age. Yes, I know I'm still kind of young and have a way to go before I'm actually an elderly person but the more I see, the more excited I am getting. So I've complied this list of awesome things I get to do when I'm old:

1. Act like the rules don't apply to me. Screw your rules, I'm old. I've been following rules too damn long, I do what I want!! Traffic laws, screw you, I'll drive in ALL the lanes muther fluckers! Parking spot lines, I'm done with your stupid yellow lines, I'll park where I want! Unspoken rules of common courtesy,  fu-get-about-it! I've been holding in my farts for years, I'll fart in public if I want! Crop dustin' beotchs.

2.Be super sweet or be a total asshole, maybe at the same time. This happens all the time. Some old lady will be really nice and as soon as you do or say something they don't agree with BAM. You're suddenly ruining people's lives and they "hope you're happy with yourself".

3. Discounts for being old. What can I say, I'm a cheap ass.

4. Super easy to dress. You can just buy a bunch of those sweatpant/sweatshirt sets. Or a couple zip front house dresses. And spandex waisted pants. And comfortable, velcro orthopedic footwear. Dis is da life...

5. No more work. You don't have to work anymore! You can spend your days doing whatever you want, like watching TV all day and you don't have to feel bad about it.

6. You get to wear full coverage underwear with no shame. Grannie Panties 4 Lyfe.

As you can see, there is a ton of cool shit you get to do once you're old. I don't know why people get so turned off by it. I've just realized that morbidly obese hill folk also reap the above stated benefits, with the exception of number three. And morbid obesity might be easier to achieve....hmmm...well that settles it. I'm off to KFC for a 12 piece family meal and google me some West Virgina real estate. Spandex, here I come!

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