Friday, November 25, 2016

Control Issues

I'm not a psychologist, even though I play on on tv, but I do feel like I have some insight when it comes to people's behavior because let's face it, I'm a little nuts myself and I feel A LOT. One thing I have noticed in myself and others is when it comes to control, you either have it or you don't. What my biggest issue with control is that when you feel completely lost and out of control, people tend to project a lot. They feel so out of control of their own lives that they make up for it by trying to control everyone around them. This might work for a short while but in the end you'll find people get sick of that shit real fast and you'll eventually lose any respect they once had for you.

I know this because I am terribly, terribly guilty of it. When I lose control of my emotions, I used to take it back through self harm. It gave me that sense of control I so badly needed at that moment. If I can't self harm, I try to control my focus person by any means necessary. It's honestly pretty disgusting. If said focus person is a rock, then I'm completely fucked and I get really defensive because not only can I not control myself but I can't control them either. Eventually I calm down but it's not without it's after effects. I feel shame and embarrassment, I feel like a terrible person because I know that is not the kind of person I want to be. I don't want to be the reason why someone feels shitty about themselves. Why would anyone want to be responsible for bringing someone else down? Why would that perverse power feel good to live with?

The more we tell ourselves we are hot messes and excuse our fucked up out of control behavior, the more we begin to become that person we don't want to be. The crazy thing is, it doesn't take much to regain that control. Like any type of recovery, you have to admit to yourself that you have a problem. This is super hard because it's so much easier to place blame on everyone around you. It doesn't have to be a shameful thing either, it can be a releasing action. Just let all that hurt and pain go. Make a list. What actions make you feel out of control? Then problem solve. What can I do to regain control or prevent myself from feeling out of control?

Self-control doesn't always feel good. I mean the definition of self control is "the ability to subdue our impulses in order to achieve longer-term goals". It's so much easier just to go right to your impulse and do what feels good in the moment but in the long run you just end up in a worse place. For example, I was pissed the other day, got aggressive and broke my hairbrush. My hairbrush doesn't mean very much to me, I can buy a new hairbrush but know what does mean a lot to me? A painting I have had for several years that I had yet to hang in my new house. I have been protective of this painting since the day my mom gifted it to me, I love this painting but in that moment I hated myself. I wanted to hurt myself, so I took the brush handle and threw it at the painting, ripping the canvas. I knew in that moment what I was doing and it absolutely kills me everyday to wake up and see what my lack of self control did. It's a heartbreaking reminder that in a moment of vulnerability I ruined something that means so much to me. Maybe it can be fixed but it will never be the same. Like so many things in life.

Well that was depressing but I needed it. I'm going to work on my own issues and hopefully this might help someone dealing with shit of their own. Love you all my little special snowflakes.

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