Tuesday, March 8, 2016

No Recollection

I feel like there should be some kind of internationally known hand signal for when you recognize someone because you know what's super awkward? Going up to someone and being like, 'Hey!" and they just look at you like you're a stranger danger. Then you realize they don't know who you are, you start questioning if you actually do know them or you try explaining to them how you know them. "Umm..you don't remember me do you? We were dart partners like 10 years ago. Well not partners, but you subbed for the girl I usually played with. Like we hung out a few times? Down at that crappy bar? You gave me weed for free once?" Awesome. Now you sound like a stalker who sits at home, reminiscing about the time you spent together while listening to Nickleback's "How You Remind Me" on repeat and smoking clove cigarettes, which is not the case at all.

Even worse is when you see someone, recognize their face, give them a big ol grin and then slowly realize why you recognize them. "HEY! How are you.....cop that arrested me for indecent exposure that time I peed in the Applebee's parking lot..ah shit." Or "Hey you! You look good......considering I held you prisoner in my basement for 18 months fifteen years ago and was never caught...awwwwkkwarrdd! You still mad? But for real, you look good. Wanna come Netflix and chill sometime?"

Like everyone, I've been on the other side of this scenario too. Because even though I can seriously recognize someone who I went to elementary school for two years before they moved to California in second grade, I can't remember someone I saw twice a week for 6 months at an old job. I had a lady come up to me once and start talking about how much weight I had lost, how I changed my hair, she loved my bangs, talking about her grandkids. The entire time I had to hold a conversation with a person who I had no idea who she was while acting like I did and rack my brain to try and place her. Usually I just say something like, "Oh sorry. I used to have a really bad drinking problem," or "I wish I could place you but a few years back I was a drug mule for the cartel and a couple of the balloons opened up inside of me. Completely fried my brain. I was actually legally dead for 2 days. Woke up at my own funeral, which was just me being thrown in a shallow hole outside Tijuana, surrounded by Scientologists. Middle school, amiright?" but I was at work and apparently that's frowned upon.

I always feel like the biggest jerk. Especially when they know so much about me. It's like being a little kid again but you don't have your mom there to say, "Remember our old neighbor Vicki?" "You used to come over and make cookies when you were 2. You had pink socks with bears on them." Even then it's like..bitch...I still can't remember where I left my car on Friday night...and today is Wednesday. At this point I'm just about to call it a loss an buy a new one, so no I don't remember making cookies with you when I was 2. More importantly, do you have any cookies on you right now? And can I borrow like $5000?

I guess I'll go ahead and start this then. Hand signal for "I think I know you" is officially two taps of the right index finger to the right temple. If you recognize them back, proceed with conversation. If you don't, two quick brushes of your left upper arm with your right hand will say, "I don't know you, don't talk to me." If you are absolutely sure you know them and it's that important to you, signal back with tap of the left wrist with your right index and middle finger, (like the Mockingjay sign from Hunger Games) and then mime where you think you know them from.

Super simple! We can do this guys, I believe in us!

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