Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Relationships With BPD - Part 1

The other day a Facebook page I follow, that acts like a support page for people who have been in abusive relationships, posted something somewhat negative about "borderlines" or people who have BPD. I took to the comments section to give my perspective on what it's like being in a relationship while having BPD and this is what I said:

"Please understand that nothing we do is intentional. No one except another borderline will ever understand how difficult it is to get through each day with this disorder. The anger, the immediate guilt afterwards, the following self hate. We cannot regulate our emotions, we will never be able to regulate our emotions. We HAVE to rely on coping skills and it is exhausting. Every day is feeling every emotion, and every emotion hits us so strong and last so much longer. Imagine every time you feel sad, it feels like the saddest you've ever been and you just want to die and end the pain. Every time you feel anger, its like a rage that completely consumes you, every time you feel love it is euphoric. It's a love that fills you completely, to a point you never thought possible. But you're terrified because eventually.....they will realize you are worthless. You are trash. They will find someone better than you and they will leave you, taking your heart with them. You get paranoid, you need constant reassurance because its too hard to believe that someone as great as them could ever love you, you're nothing. You are replaceable. Everyone will leave you because you aren't good enough. You will never be good enough. 

You get jealous easily because you're so insecure. Over the littlest things because to you, nothing is without intention. There is deeper meaning in everything. Who is she? Why did he like her Facebook photo? What does she have that I don't? Why is she better than me? Why didn't he like my Facebook photo? Is he embarrassed of me? Does he not want people to know he loves me? Does he love me? That person you love, the one you are so obsessed with, the one you would literally die for, does something that hurts you. And that hurt cuts down into your soul and it hurts more than you've ever hurt. Why am I not good enough? Why can't I be thinner? Prettier? Please what can I do? Please I want to be perfect for you! And split. 

We don't see the world like everyone else, it's black and white to us. So either everything is good or everything is bad, so this perfect person is now bad. And you don't want to hate them but you do. You try so hard to remind yourself "No you love him, remember how he made you feel just days ago." But it's impossible. The feelings are too overwhelming. You begin to hate that person, when you look at them it makes you sick. You want them to hurt the way they hurt you so they can know what they've done. So you try, forgetting that they will never understand how bad it hurts, because their brain doesn't work like that. They don't feel those intense emotions like you do. But you still try. You say terrible things, the most hurtful things you can think of and you try to stop yourself but it flows like venom. Maybe it doesn't work, they aren't hurt enough, and you get violent. Things get broken, things get physical. Then a few moments or hours or days or weeks pass, you never know how long it might last, and that hate turns onto yourself. You are a fucking psycho. You are too much work. You will be alone forever. No one will ever love you enough to deal with this shit. You are a fuck up. You don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to feel love. You will ruin everyone's life you come in contact with. The best thing you can do for yourself and everyone else is just kill yourself. Just do it. They might be sad for awhile but they'll get over it. Life will actually be easier for them without having to deal with your constant emotions and drama. Just fucking kill yourself. You don't deserve to live. No one cares about you. Just do it, please!!! 

Then a switch flips. You look at him, his smile, his eyes. The way he laughs, the way he holds you. You look at him and the butterflies come back. He's so perfect. How could you every have thought otherwise. Yes, he said mean things to you, maybe hit you a couple of times but you deserved it. You know you did. It takes a lot to put up with you, so you owe him. I love you, please don't leave me! I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. Whatever he asks, you do. You don't have the money but you have credit cards, buy him things so he knows you love him. You must be available for anything, at all times. Let him do whatever he wants with your body, you owe him that. Even when you don't want to, which is rare because at least if you are being used for sex it means someone wants you for something. You're worth something for a moment. At least you're worth a fuck. And the cycle starts again. 

I hate the way I am. I hate that my brain know exactly what's happening but my emotions have the control. I hate the constant internal war. When you're brain is telling you two competing ideas at once. "You're worthless, no you're not that's just the BPD talking. Yes but BPD is what you are therefore you are worthless. No one loves you, yes they do, are you sure? I think so.... Then why haven't they called." Every day is a struggle. I'm sorry, I wish I was different."

Seems pretty dramatic right? Unfortunately for 1% of the population this is their reality. This is the constant in our lives. And it sucks, it really does. It's completely exhausting for us and it's not a surprise that our interpersonal relationships suffer like they do. Honestly I wouldn't blame someone for not wanting to be in a relationship with someone with BPD, it can be extremely hard at times. "When things are good, they are great. They are amazing. But when things are bad, they are terrible." This is something I've been told many times and sums it up pretty well. Sadly, this is just brief overview, there is much more. Part two to come soon.

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