Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Merry Freakin' (Late) Christmas

I've received hundreds of emails from my readers asking where is my Christmas blog post this week. And by hundreds of emails I mean I brought up the fact I didn't finish my Christmas post at our family Christmas gathering and my sister Emily said, "oh yeah, I thought you said were going to post something about Christmas" So much pressure!
Well here is why I never got it posted. I was not at all in the Christmas spirit. It took forever to snow, I didn't get any presents bought until two days before Christmas, my kitchen is a biohazard and I was on a low carb diet so no baking was going on, I was just pre-occupied this year. We didn't even know where we were going to have Christmas until the day before. That one was mostly my fault because I've been disowning family members a lot this year and refuse to buy them any presents or be near them, making everyone else in the family feel awkward about it. Did I ruin Christmas this year? Not in my opinion. I think it turned out pretty well which is a surprise because our family Christmases (Christmi, Christmeeses?) are always pretty interesting.

1. My mom is always buying us things we didn't ask for.
She did surprise me last year and get me something I had asked for, an Iowa State Cyclone scarf. it was freaking awesome. Even though she had called and asked Rob what I wanted and told him she would get the scarf, I still ended up with two. Rob knows not to trust my mom when she says she's going to do something. Even though the scarf was totally rad, truthfully I missed the thrill of the mystery gift.

2. She disguises presents in weird boxes.
Two years ago, everyone opening gifts thought they got clearance popcorn. I think someone really did get popcorn, once again MYSTERY GIIIFTT!! She's also evil with her weird boxes.
I remember when I was younger, my mom was wrapping a present for my brother. She had somehow gotten a hold of a Nike shoe box and used it to wrap up his present, a stuffed penguin. Mind you, my brother was well into his twentys by this point. Sweet! New Nikes! Just kidding, just a stuffed penguin and cans of corn to add weight.

3. My mother labels NOTHING.
Every single year someone ends up opening someone elses present. I'm surprised someone hasn't gotten hurt when my mom realizes its the wrong one, screams "WRONG PRESENT. THAT'S NOT YOURS!" and rips it out of your hands. Sometimes she doesn't get things wrapped and we just close our eyes and when we open them, YAY! PRESENT!

4. You don't get a present.
For years, my brother always got screwed out of Christmas. One year, my mom just forgot to get him anything. Usually she just forgets things in a closet somewhere and has to go look for it but one year she just forgot about him. And no one else got him anything because my younger sister and I were still kids, therefore not obligated to think about any one but ourselves, and our older sister was just broke.
Or if you are one of our relatives you end up opening a unexpected package in mid-March full of Christmas presents. Mom puts the 'pro' in procrastination.

5. Your present has been been peed on.
The following year, Zach finally got a present. It was a sweater. He tried it on, that's when we figured out the cat had peed on it. So we checked the other presents, nope it just peed on his. Sucks to be Zachary!

6. Extreme Cage Fighting.
Very few of our family gatherings ever occur without some kind of brawl. Once again, this one is usually me. I just don't get along with people. But in my defense, if we went with my ideas on how to celebrate there wouldn't be any issues, just fun. I mean, who could get mad at a Kristmas Karaoke party? Or a festive talent showcase?

7. Swearing.
Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas if there wasn't any swearing going on. Sometimes its just mixed casually into conversation, sometimes it's out of anger.

There are many more things I can think of but for the sake of your brain, I'm going to stop there plus I really want to get to this next part.

It's the first annual CHRISTMAS RECAP! 2012 Edition!

We had our family Christmas at Lacey and Ellie's house this year. Also my mom's boyfriend came to town for his first super classy get together that is our Christmas. So everyone gets there around 3:15 or so. My mom reminds me about Lacey's gift that I left in my basement and she also didn't get some presents wrapped, they were up at her house. So Rob and Dakotah give my mom a ride up to her house and they go get Lacey's present out of our basement and grab a couple other things we forgot. While they are gone, we video tape Ellie opening presents from her dad's side from California. I manage to say "b-hole" in the background of the recording, causing Ellie to die laughing shrieking "BUTTHOLE" and Lacey to chew me out. I was also in charge of watching the chili on the stove and not once, not twice but four times I would try sneaking a bite and it would fall back into the pot after already being partially in my mouth. Luckily no one saw me and probably have no idea unless they are reading this. Don't worry, it wasn't prechewed or anything and I tried to get those pieces back out right after they dropped in. No one opened the wrong presents but once again my mom did not label anything and we had to do some switching around. This year, Lacey also decided not to label presents either. Because apparently writing is too much work for these people. I purposely left all the price tags on everything I gave out because I wanted everyone to know where they stood with me. My mom actually enjoyed all of her gifts and Lacey's heartfelt card made her cry, *cough* suck up. We got some pretty cool stuff too. I'm not going to list it all here because if you read my blog, chances are you have low morals and you'll probably try to burglar our house. Plan foiled! But I will tell you that my mom's boyfriend made us all these really awesome cutting boards. The dogs and Magnus got me a calender with rat terriers on it and they got Rob nothing because I am a terrible wife. My younger sister Emily announced she is going to run away and join a group of fire performers to be a fire hooper, or as I heard it "I'm running away to light myself on fire and join the circus. And maybe be homeless for awhile." A couple days later she called to tell us she cut part of her finger off with a deli meat slicer at work. Unrelated but I felt I had to share. Overall it was a pretty good Christmas time.

In closing, that's my Christmas post. Sorry it was so late, I'm such a lazy bitch! I will be posted my New Year's post soon...or in mid-February. Whatev!

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