Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Rev Rach and the Exorcism

It was the evening of December 2nd, 2008 I decided to become an ordained minister. Via the internet, of course. And it was the evening of May 26th, 2012 I became Rev Rach.

Though I had been ordained for approximately 3 years, 5 months and 24 days and performed one legal marriage ceremony in that time, it wasn't until 5-26-2012 that I fully became who is and will always be known as Rev Rach. I assume I'm not the first person who has had their moment of clarity after the fact, there are probably men and women all over the world who become people of God and not until years later stumble upon a revelation of their true calling. Like maybe monks and nuns? Unlike them, I'm not particularly religious, hell I can barely spell the word, but I do believe that others believe that there is something grander in the universe than ourselves. Does this mean there is someone in the great beyond calling the shots? No, at least I don't think so. But then how do you explain the collaboration of Lady Gaga and Beyonce in "Telephone"? That's right YOU CAN'T just like I can't say if there is or is not a higher power

Regardless of which power does what, where...the important think is that on the 26th day of May in the year of two thousand and twelveith, Rev Rach was born. Like a phoenix rises from the ashes, all the glory that be personified into a wondrous spectacle of a southern baptist preacher at one of those old timey revivals.

It all happened on a warm spring night at my friend's bachelorette party. After a passion party of vibrators and lube being passed around, some light snacking, drinks and a hot, sweaty bus ride the bride was not feeling to hot. So there I was, at an impasse. Do I let my friend die on the curb from heat exhaustion or do I do something about it? I took in my surroundings, fair maidens were already coddling the poor bride to be with water and cool paper towels, the steeple of a church loomed over us as we asked, "What can we do?!" Deep inside me, I searched for a reason. Any reason to not have to go home for I was only a little wasted and wanted to be a lot wasted. "Back the fuck up..." I said to the beautiful gaggle of gals, "I got this..." With a mighty deep breath and closed eyes I called to the Heavens, "Jesus!!! JE--SUS! Our Savior, Lord Almighty I ask upon you to release this child from these demons that have taken over her soul. TAKE THESE DEMONS AND PULL THEM FROM THIS CHILD. BREATH YOUR SWEET HEAVENLY BREATH INTO HER AND REVIVE HER WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT! LORD OH LORD. LET US FEEL YOUR POWER AND HEEEAALLL THIS POOR SOUL..." With that, my body was taken by the Holy Spirit and I was a crucible of healing. I danced, I shouted, I sang the song of truth for Jesus is a biscuit, LET HIM SOP YOU UP.

By the end of it, my girl was completely better and Rev Rach had solidified a place in the hearts of many, including my own. So whenever you are feeling down and feel the need to cast those demons from your soul, ask yourself a simple question: Have you exorcised today?

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