Thursday, November 20, 2014

Big Mouth Bertha

Sometimes I open my mouth aaannndd...word vomit. This happens a lot when talking to people for the first or second time. Everything starts off really well, make some small talk, ask them about themselves but then they, in turn, inquire about myself. "WEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL...... *20 minutes later* so the doctor says, get this, it's NOT dry skin! It's a fungal infection! *another 20 minutes* and that's the story of how I became a woman.......*10 more minutes* which is funny because my social security number is......*in closing* So to answer your question, here. I live here...."
So why do I do this, even when my mom warns me not to? Why do I think it's even a little bit appropriate to tell people embarrassing or non flattering tales of my life, when it would be easy to just keep my mouth shut? Do I have no self control? Well, by golly, I'll tell you!
One of the most important things about making a first impression, is to read the room. Where are you? What kind of people are you surrounded by? Is it a casual or a more professional setting? If I know I am in a more professional setting, I will be as professional as I can. So juuust this side of white trash... If it is a more casual setting or I have met the people at least once or twice before, I like to see how far I can push it.
I feel like telling a somewhat embarrassing story is fine, especially if you are telling it in a humorous light. Being able to take what could be a not ideal situation and seeing the humor in it tells you a lot about a person. It says this person doesn't take life so seriously, is fun, outgoing and more approachable. More likely to be invited to do things because they bring a little something extra to the party. Like drugs. Or hookers.
Usually I spend the first few minutes listening, I try to figure out who people are and what might fly with them. When around people you don't know that well, I try to make jokes that are blatantly obvious jokes. If I'm talking about my job I might say, "Oh yes. I work at *completely normal job* but I moonlight as a stripper. Now if you actually have a nice body, can do your makeup and appear to be somewhat flexible, this joke might not work for you. But for an overweight, 28 year old who has to give herself pep talks when bending down to pick up items, it's a lot funnier. If they laugh, you can go even more serious and without smiling say "What? Why is that funny?" Then everyone gets deer in headlights looks and you say "JUST KIDDING! I don't think they make strip poles thick enough to hold all this!" *motion to lava hot, couch potato bod*
Can I be crude? Yes. Does this sometimes backfire and blow up in my face? All the freaking time. Sometimes I misjudge or take things too far, surprisingly I'm not perfect. Being funny isn't always easy, you have to have a sharp wit and a quick tongue. (Obligatory "That's what she said") Unfortunately, humor can be very, very subjective. This is when trouble arises, recovering from one failed joke is hard enough, if this happens several times, you're on a sinking ship and that sucks. Some people just aren't going to think you're funny but whatever awful childhood incident led them to this sad, humorless adulthood is not your fault. I like to think that someday, somewhere, those people will be thinking back to our encounter and as they think about what an idiot I am, a smile will appear and that shit will be because of me.
You're welcome, you uptight jerk.
Well it's good to know that I am still an expert when it comes to starting a blog post on one subject and ending on another. I would go back and edit that but meeehhhhhhh.. it's kind of on topic.
Stay relevant suckas.

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